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| 2011 Holiday Bowl, San Diego, CA |
In general, I would leave L.A. in an instant and only miss a handful of things. But, the thing is, I wouldn't just start a conversation with a complete stranger in that manner (despite what the case might be here as I type these words...).
Example: Texas and Cal are playing in the game and I'm at the Cal Alum tailgate. My mother in law is a huge Cal booster. My wife and brother-in-law both went there for undergrad. They're great people, I love them dearly, and, yes, they tease me about Mack Brown and the 2005 Rose Bowl. How Mack "screwed" Cal. I'll often find myself repeating, "well, why didn't Cal's coach care enough to petition for his players?" Seems like "snooze, you lose" to me. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Insert cliche here. But the thing is, being at a Cal tailgate in Burnt Orange is lot like a bunch of Cubs fans seeing a picture of Steve Bartman. They're nice enough people, but good lord they haven't moved on!
I was one of three people that I counted in Texas gear at their pre-game festivity. Everywhere I was greeted with talk of Mack Brown and how he either whined or cried for Texas to get into the Rose Bowl. How he single-handedly "cheated" Cal out of their first Rose Bowl trip in generations. They carried signs decrying his name. "Sack Mack," it read. Seriously? They are as bad as Cubs fans and complaints of no trips to World Series because of some dude in a turtleneck going for a foul ball. Listen, I didn't make the football schedule that year. Neither did you. And neither did Mack. I personally feel that Mack went to bat for his team. He made his case. The BCS went with Texas. Texas beat Michigan. End of story. Well, as far as I'm concerned.
But the thing that gets me are all of the California types that have to let me know how much they dislike Texas. Personally, I think it has a lot more to do with an inferiority complex that relates directly to how confident Texans are compared to Californians, but they'll have you believe it has everything to do with topographical comparison of the two states.
I'm not saying they're all like this, but there were a few asses in the bunch. I caught a couple "you're brave to wear that in here." Really? You do know that Aggies and/or Sooners will literally start brawls with Longhorns, often resulting in need of immediate medical attention. Remember this one? Those people are nuts. But Cal fans? I'd expect them to pick up a cardboard sign and protest me well before any actual physical harm was an option on the table. Hell, when I first moved to California, I had no idea that "Cal" and "Berkeley" were the same thing. Why would Berkeley ever have something as violent as football, let alone organized athletics? So, no, I wasn't very brave to wear Burnt Orange to a Cal tailgate. Bravery would require fear of something.
As I'm finishing up my last beer to head to the game (Texas' own Shiner beer, which was ordered by the Cal folks, mind you), this really drunk asshole decides to strike up a conversation. He's got his white wine spritzer in one hand and his equally drunk wife in the other. She's blitzed and not nearly as hot as she thinks she once was. He starts in with the whole, "you know, I like Austin, but the rest of the state is shit."
Wow, man. Roles reversed, I'd never come up to you and lay into California that way. I doubt the majority of Texans would. Not saying that they might not be thinking, "thank God I don't live in that ass-backwards septic tank," but they're not just going to start a conversation that way based on a damn t-shirt color.
I dislike most of this damn state. The ridiculous taxes. The high cost of living. The shitty state of the public education system that no one is willing to deal with. The fucking traffic; it takes an hour to go 5 miles or across the city, no one can ever really know. The pollution. The dirty beaches. The fact that you have to drive everywhere, but nowhere offers sufficient parking. Lack of mass transit. The fair weather fans who either refuse to show up on time or can't because the traffic is so ridiculous and the mass transit is so shitty. Every place offers valet parking, whether it's a strip mall or a restaurant no one has ever heard of. And the people are so beaten down by all of this, no one ever says "hello" or doesn't know how to respond when a non-native dares to ask, "how are you doing?"
But I wouldn't just drop all this on someone. Not even this asshole with his white wine at a tailgate.
ASSHOLE: Yeah, I like Austin.
ME: Yeah, it's a fun town.
ASSHOLE: The rest of the state is just shit.
ME: Sorry we couldn't make a better impression for you.
Translation:
ASSHOLE: I like Austin because it's a college town with lots of bars and hip places with poor lighting where I can hide the fact that I'm twice as old as the average patron.
ME: Yeah, places like Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio will probably just remind you how much you live in a fictional world and try adamantly not to acknowledge the fact that you're not a kid anymore.
ASSHOLE: Those places are sad because they don't begin their late local news with the latest on the Kardashians. Dallas has one of those now, so maybe I'd consider thinking about going there sometime.
ME: You do know that when you set foot outside of California, it isn't normal for a 40-year old man to wear skinny jeans, right? Texas is better off without you.
Then he said something about working with Matthew McConaughey, being in "the business," and making some sort of movie that I referred to as an "indie," which upset him, probably because I meant "indie" more as "I've never heard of that movie and why would I?" My politeness does have its limits; I had been drinking. Then I replied to something he said with "Alright alright alright" in my half-assed best Wooderson. Again, drinking.
Eventually, he grew tired of our conversation when I wasn't willing to join him in either bashing Texas or taking a brave stand to defend its honor. Again, no need for bravery. Especially when your male counterpart is sipping white wine. At a tailgate.
Seriously, ask anyone what they like about California and the first thing out of their mouth has something to do with the weather. Yes, it's pretty much 60-something degrees year-round. It's nice, but equally unnatural. Every day tends to feel the same when it never rains and never drops below 30. January feels like April feels like August. It can really mess with your head. I'll sometimes have to stop and look at a calendar to recall what month it actually is. But their answer can't be anything other than "the weather," because you know, and more importantly they know, anything else would be utter bullshit. The state is in monstrous debt, has one of the highest unemployment rates, and the housing market is one of the most-over priced to get into. But you feel comfortable during all of it!
Regardless, Texas won the game, I had a great time, and Cal is still stuck with the same coach who refused to go to bat for his players in 2004.
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